Terribly low capacity to explain things suck the hell out of me.  

For instance, how do you explain the right to like someone who is already liked by another for a longer time. I mean, it's an involuntary set of stimuli that we talk about. We can't question somebody for doing something saying it's because she felt like it, or hate somebody because of feeling something you didn't want her to feel. Hello prudence and self-restraint, this is all we can do under circumstances where other people get hurt inevitably. It's how we act out these emotions that matter really.

Happier news: today is Christmas party in the office. Food is ordered from Conti's. I can see it from here and I could just wish it's six o'clock already. Instead of smoking after eating lunch this afternoon, I walked to Powerbooks in Greenbelt to buy a copy of New Moon for gift giving later. I left with a heavy heart because I had no money to buy even a sudoku puzzle. My fingers just sweeped past through Foucault, then goodbye. 

Wishful for:

1. Nape tattoo
2. Cheap airfares
3. 30 Lbs. more
4. Discipline as part of my system.

 

I saw you, and I didn't know what to say. You were holding her hand, and that's when it came to me. We were so yesterday. 

25 Random Things:

1. Mahilig akong mag-isip. Inherited trait ito galing kay Mama. Most of the time, nakikita ko siyang nag-iisip ng malalim while walking, eating, o kahit may kausap na ibang tao, I can tell na nasa kabundukan ang utak niya. This actually worries me, kasi nabasa ko sa libro na "The Power of Now" na people who think too much don't really get the best in life. Isip sila ng isip ng mga gusto nilang gawin or about life in general, and before they know it dedbol na pala sila kinabukasan. Ang tendency kasi pag masyadong nag-iisip, nawawala na ang sense of reality. Everything is real but only inside the mind. Kung may hihilingin ako sa Pasko, yun eh tubuan ako ng switch sa noo para macontrol ko naman ang on/off function ng utak ko.

2. Tamad akong kumain. Siguro tataasan na ko ng kilay ng mga nagugutom sa oras na to, pero truth is weakling ang jaw, teeth, and lalamunan ko sa pag-kain. Reason why ang mga favorite ko ay kahit anong ulam na may sabaw, goto, at mga malamig na inumin.

3. Im a frustrated artist. Nung highschool ako, pag may natype-an akong girl/boy, dinadrawing ko agad. Unfortunately, hindi na-hone pa ang premature talent ko na to dahil...

4. Tamad ako, in the most fuzzy sense of it. Mahilig akong matulog pag may problema, or kung may ka-chikahan man ako, maximum na ang dalawa.

5. I love Angus Oblong, and people who are not afraid to mention the unmentionables. Read his children's books and you'll know what I mean.

6. Iniiwan ko on purpose ang kahit anong gamit, (i.e. basang tuwalya) na hassle na bitbitin pauwi everytime na galing ako sa retreat, bakasyon, or kahit anong overnight. Siyempre ito yung mga gamit na kaya ko nang i-give up. Ayoko lang talaga na madami ang dala ko.

7. My short term memory never fails to disappoint me. Pero once may nakapagsabi sa akin na: "K, hindi ka naman makakalimutin. Hindi ka lang minsan nagpa-pay attention sa mga bagay-bagay na hindi mo gusto".

8. I first went to the States when I was 19. A year and six months ago. The best city I've been to was in San Francisco. Lovely, really. Halong urban at rural, peaceful but very alive, masarap din ang weather. Although malamig masyado sa tabi ng Pacific Ocean. Nakapunta din ako sa Virginia, kung san ako nakapagbeach na mainit ang buhangin pero yelo sa lamig ang tubig. Washington D.C. too was great, except that wala pa si Obama sa white house, so never mind. LA was okay, parang Pilipinas ang traffic, mainit sa umaga at hindi mo iisiping nasa Amerika ka. Surprisingly, maraming bargain.. dahil ba marami ding Pinoy doon? New York naman parang Quiapo na may centralized ac. For the record, wala pa akong 8 hours nagstay doon kaya medyo blurry ang visual memories ko of that place, but I won't forget Ground Zero, the New York Stock Exchange, at yung ice skate-an sa Home Alone. Maryland of course is family. I loved there too, probinsya. Madaming forest sa gitna ng mga highway, at mga warning signs for deer pedestrians. The ideal simple American life. Syet, wait mag-iipon nga pala ko ng pamasahe.

9. I've been in three serious relationships. Now, I decided to just have myself completely, first.

10. Bukod sa pamilya ko, sa Diyos, at mga ilang kaibigan, mahal ko din ang pet turtle kong si Tepong. Kagabi ko lang nalaman na umiiyak pala ang mga pagong, tears, sad eyes, but I don't know if there's any emotion to it. Kung nasasaktan ba talaga sila o parang sipon lang yun na lumabas sa mata. He/she is one year old already, has grown a bit as per shell size. Naiisip ko nang ipamigay siya sa wildlife dahil alam ko na hindi tama na nakakulong siya sa plastic tupperware.

11. Perfume (The story of a murderer, 2008) is so far the awesome-est movie I've seen. Though I still can't figure out any realizations from that ending. Basta maganda, not your typical junky hollywood sexist film.

12. Kung magkakaroon ako ng extra breads, magpaparetoke ako ng mata para maging chinita.

13. Hindi ako konyo pero for some reason, 70 percent ng mga kaibigan ko ay konyo (clueless kung lugar ba o hayop ang "alimasag", bente dos anyos na hindi pa nakakasakay ng jeep, etc.) lahat ng ito = regla sa ilong.

14. Una akong na-inlove sa Eraserheads one morning in the 90s na nakahiga ako sa loob ng school service. Kinder ako nun, pero gets na gets ko ang message ng "Magazine".

15. Women amaze me more than men do.

16. Hindi ako happy person, pero people always think of me as one.

17. Ayoko sa mga taong chismosa. I dont see the point of over discussing other people's personal lives. Yung mga eksenang nagbubulungan habang dumadaan yung biktima nila. Hindi ako anghel, sa palagay ko lang talaga there are better, more enjoyable things to do than to gossip the day away. Isa pa, kanya kanyang buhay yan.

18. Christmas, Valentine greetings or simply self-advertisements of LGU politicians sadden me every time. Kung merong isang criteria ang hahanapin ko sa isang pulitiko, yun eh kung hindi niya sinusulat sa tarpaulin o sinasabi ang mga gagawin/ginagawa niya, basta yung gumagawa lang.

19. I love high heels, but I can't stand to wear one. For an hour, might be considerable.

20. Nakabangga na ko ng hindi ko sasakyan, well wala naman akong sasakyan talaga. But I happen to be more important than the car for that person, so I didn't really feel the repercussions of my stupidity. Siyempre na-guilty parin ako.

21.  Hindi ako takot sa multo, mas takot akong magutom, sa asong nangangagat at gagamabang madaming buhok.

22. I can't say "No" just that casually. Madalas, pag may nagtitinda ng pastillas sa bus, lagi akong nakakabili then magsisisi pagkatapos dahil pangit ang lasa pala o masyadong mahal. Lagi din akong nahahatak sa mga lakaran na di ko masyadong type. I'll only say I've grown up once I learn to acquire the talent of saying "NO".

23. I'm also a frustrated musician. I've learned a lot of songs in the guitar but because of my very resilient 512 kilobyte memory, wala akong matandaan na chords as of 10:49 pm, today.

24. Masayang masaya ko dahil wala na kong braces at....

25. Dahil nabuo ko ang 25 random things na to. Hurrah! Logtu na! Lunes pa bukas! :-)

Disclaimer: Please know that this idea is inspired by Prime Cruz's note: 25 random things. Wala kasi akong magawa tonight, so I thought this could be a nice remedy for some internal conflicts. Try it. Thanks. 
 

Low temperature in the office is crippling the drive to work fast. Plus the fact that I work alone in the room, with a bag of cheese bread, cold coffee, retainers that I put on the lid of my coffee cup hehe, an enticing unlimited internet and unstoppable thinking. Last night the medley of Christmas songs were so nauseating that I needed to play my own songs from my ipod, which I don't usually do. There's just something about the impending Christmas season that makes me want to vomit. Maybe its singlehood, maybe its sadness or the fear that at one point, some haunted memories would make my sane nerves snap off. If God doesn't send a lover, this year would be the first in many years that I wouldn't spend with someone special. Labo, and this is the first time I realized that I've not been "vacant" for a long time, I think I was in grade six when I last went home straight after a Christmas party.

Foolishly, people really tend to build comfort zones around other people. For quite a long time I didn't notice that I never really had happiness, confidence, comfort or whatever you call it, from myself. It's sad, but I hope it's still not too late to do something about this. I only remind myself of the consolation that when something is taken away, something better comes. I hope I get myself back again.

Anyway, Bora next year! yey. :) My friend is getting married on my birthday. Coolness. hehe. Back to work.

The house is still crook friendly. No doorknobs, no locks, no dogs. So far, Makati and Pasay have been kind. Except for the days when it rained, i just hate the black circles behind my legs. Travel time to work is reduced to a max of 30 minutes, may traffic na yun. But that also included long walks... Ill take a shot of everyday scenes soon. My getaway to Malaysia is now trimmed down to a Makati escape. I wonder if it would've made difference. I still miss you..